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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25729156">not gay</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/anastea/pseuds/anastea'>anastea</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Drug Use, I cannot get over btw how everyone's tags for this ship are like 'canon-typical behavior' lol, M/M, dennis is so mean, enjoy, no archive warnings apply but like, that said this was a ton of fun to write! love my boys, there's cursing there's nonsense there's something offensive for everyone, this is not a healthy relationship, we've got some canon-typical behavior here folks, y'all this is always sunny</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 12:02:51</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>7,140</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25729156</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/anastea/pseuds/anastea</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>there are so many things men can't do without being labelled "gay." everything is "gay" now. is enjoying sex with a close male friend "gay"? is holding a man's hand "gay"? is it "gay" to marry your best friend? some people just have no understanding of how the world works. idiots</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Mac McDonald/Dennis Reynolds</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>135</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>not gay</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b>I: THE HEARING</b>
</p><p>“Order! Order!" Charlie bangs an empty beer can against the bar. The occasion: a hearing, to determine if the defendant, Dennis Reynolds, is gay or not, as accused by the prosecution, Deandra Reynolds, who walked in on the defendant having (very good, by the way, it should be noted that it was very good) anal sex with one "Mac" McDonald. Mac, also present, is fidgeting in his chair. From nerves or the butt sex, hard to tell. </p><p>"Thank you everyone for being in court today. As you all know my area of expertise is more in the realm of bird law than any of this gay stuff buuuuut you’d be surprised to find out what some birds get up to.” Charlie smiles demonically for a moment then puts on a pair of tiny prop glasses. “I think you'll find my credentials are good. Defense goes first. Dennis, you get the floor.”</p><p>“Thank you Charlie. Thank you everyone.” Dennis rubs his hands together as if warming himself by a small fire, then begins. “Ladies. Gentlemen. Cricket." Oh, Cricket, for some reason, is here. "Webster’s Dictionary defines homosexuality as sexual or romantic attraction to members of ones own sex. My argument today is twofold. Firstly, I, Dennis Reynolds, am not in fact sexually or romantically attracted to the man I am accused of being gay with - Mac McDonald. You'll see him sitting in the front row there, wearing the sinfully tight-fitting tank." Mac raises his hand, looking at Frank and Cricket, you know, to make sure they know it's him Dennis is talking about. Frank rolls his eyes.</p><p>"Two!" Dennis goes on. "I would argue that said man - Mac - cannot even really be considered a member of my own sex. I believe you will find, Charlie-“</p><p>“Please address me with respect.”</p><p>Dennis drops the lawyer act. “Charlie, I’m not gonna-“</p><p>Charlie clears his throat, loudly.</p><p>“Fine. I believe you will find, Your Honor And The Most Superior Court Judge That Ever Lived, that I, Dennis Reynolds, am not quite a man. Some people who look like me are men, sure, some people who have dicks, who are handsome, natural leaders, genetically predisposed to dominance." Dennis approaches the bar. "But not me. I'm closer to what the philosopher Frederich Nieztsche called the ubermensch. The over-man. A superior being that men will eventually evolve into. So if I'm not quite a man, I would ask the court - how could I be gay with Mac?" </p><p>Charlie nods sagely. "Interesting. Go on."</p><p>"So if we agree that I'm not quite what you would typically call a man, and we agree that I have no emotional or sexual interest in Mac and am just fucking him for a lark, you will have to conclude that the by the way very private relationship that Mac and I have therefore does not fit into the definition of homosexuality and I therefore am not, as Dee would argue, gay.” </p><p>“Thank you counsel Dennis, you may be seated. I will note that you should all please leave larks out of this case. They’re good birds and have nothing to do with it.” Charlie bangs the can on the bar again. "Dee?" </p><p>“Your Honor And The Most Superior Court Judge That Ever Lived - and some of us you’ll notice don’t need to be reminded to use your full title - today I will argue that the defendant, Dennis Reynolds, not only fits perfectly into the definition of homosexuality, but is in such deep denial about it that he is able to convince other men of his straightness even while buried deep in their assholes.” </p><p>Dennis merely smiles. Mac, watching him, is maybe a little bit turned on. It's either the confidence or the deep asshole comment that got him.</p><p>Charlie frowns. “You’re hard to listen to, Dee, I gotta be honest, so I hope you make a good argument here. You intend to call a witness?” </p><p>“Yes. I’d like to call Mac to the stand.” </p><p>Mac looks at Dennis and waits for his approving nod before walking to the bar and sitting on a stool. It‘s kind of hard actually to stop looking at Dennis and start looking at Dee when she starts asking him questions. Dee‘s hard to listen to <i>and</i> hard to look at. A winning combo. Bizarre how she and Dennis are related. “Hello, Mac.” </p><p>“Hello.” </p><p>“You are Mac, correct?” </p><p>“Charlie, come on, we know who Mac is, can she just-“ </p><p>“No, no.” Charlie holds up one finger in Dennis’ direction, then turns to Mac, gaze intent. “Answer the question, young man.” </p><p>Mac looks at Dennis, who rolls his eyes but gestures for Mac to proceed. “Um, yes, I am Mac.” </p><p>“Excellent. And it was you I found tangled in the arms of one Dennis Reynolds yesterday?” </p><p>“Objection, your honor, the word ‘tangled’ kind of mischaracterizes the situation-“ </p><p>“ORDER IN THE COURT.” Charlie bangs the beer can. “Good GOD may all the ancestor judges give me their wisdom and patience. Objection overruled. Carry on, Dee.” </p><p>“Thank you, your honor.” She smirks in Dennis’ direction. “Anyway, it was you, Mac, I found tangled in the arms of Dennis Reynolds?” </p><p>“Um.” Mac looks slightly at a loss, then says, “I would actually say that the word ‘tangled’ kinda mischaracterizes the situation-"</p><p>“Okay, alright, stop.” </p><p>Dee calls for a brief sidebar discussion and she, Charlie and Dennis go into the closet, the irony of which is lost only on Mac. And maybe Cricket? Who can tell. Mac fidgets on the stool. Frank and Cricket are kind of staring at him, which is weird. It's 5-ish o'clock but they've closed the bar for the moment - there's important business going on here. Very important for Mac in particular. He's kind of sweating. He's gotten used to their arrangement, sharing a bed at the apartment, fucking in the men's room or in the alley when they just can't wait to get home, keeping it a secret, a super hot, super sexy little secret. Stupid Dee. Stupid goddamn Dee, always ruining goddamn everything. Now he's gotta be a witness at a hearing. So annoying. All he wants is to go home, drink beer, watch a movie and fuck Dennis. Is that so much to ask?</p><p>“Alright,” Charlie says as they all come out of the closet (physically, not metaphorically), returning to their positions, “I've decided that Dennis has to wait in the closet while Mac answers his questions. It's become clear he’s influencing the witness.” </p><p>"Oh, come on." </p><p>Frank boos as Dee walks Dennis away again, Dennis frantically trying to signal instructions to Mac even after being ordered specifically not to do this. Cricket applauds.</p><p>“Come on, why is Cricket even here?” is the last thing Dennis says before the door closes behind him. </p><p>“This is a fair and open court, Mr. Reynolds,” Charlie says to no one, “a fair and open court.” </p><p>“Okay.. uh,” Dee tries again, “So anyway, Mac, you were saying?” </p><p>“Uh, I was saying that, uh, tangled isn’t really-“ Mac, as always, is lost without Dennis. “The right word I guess, I would say more like, uh, I was in his tender embrace.” </p><p>Dee grins. Faintly, in the background, you could maybe almost hear someone banging on the closet door. “Wonderful. And how long have you two, been, uh, tenderly embracing?” </p><p>“Oh, like, a long time.” Mac seems to be thinking, somewhat unlike him. “Um. Well we kinda fooled around in high school, then like a little bit after Dennis came back from college but not really for a while, then we did, then Dennis didn’t want to anymore, and then we did again, and now we do it like, all the time.” He pauses. “You meant sex, right.” </p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>“Cool.” </p><p>“And you and Dennis are both men.” </p><p>“Y-eees.” Mac looks like he isn’t sure he's given the right answer to that one, but there‘s no one there to confirm or deny this for him. Dammit. "Or Dennis is like, an Uber driver, or whatever he said." </p><p>“And you are a gay man.” </p><p>“Yes, <i>I</i> am gay. But Dennis isn’t. So.” </p><p>“Okay." Dee clenches her hands into fists. "Alright, and what exactly does Dennis say to you to make you think he’s not gay, huh?” </p><p>“Oh, well.” Mac says this very matter-of-factly: “He’s just- he’s not into it, you know? He doesn’t LIKE it or anything. He just does it for me, cause I’m his friend. It’s for me, not him.” He looks down at his feet. “Um. You know, that’s what he tells me, so.” </p><p>“Wow.” Dee looks at Charlie. “A sad, sad story. Mac, tell me, does Dennis ever initiate sex?”</p><p>“Like, start it? Oh, all the time, all the time. The other day he jumped me and I was like, dude, haha, I’m getting ready for a funeral.” </p><p>Frank pipes up, “Wait, who died?”</p><p>“Oh, a friend’s dog.” </p><p>Dee squints. “What... friend? Never mind. The point is, he starts sex, even though he says he doesn’t want it?” </p><p>“Yeah, but he’s just like, doing me a favor though.” </p><p>“Got it. Tell me Mac, does Dennis appear to enjoy having sex with you?”</p><p>Mac looks at her blankly. “Well, uh, he cums if that’s what you mean. Obviously.” </p><p>Charlie grimaces. "Dee, don't be gross in court, please.” </p><p>Dee grits her teeth. “Okay, just one more gross one, your honor. Do you always... finish? Mac?”</p><p>“You mean cum? Uh, not like, every time, but usually yeah.”</p><p>“But <i>he</i> does <i>every</i> time.”</p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>“Okay. Are you putting this together, Charlie?”</p><p>“Honestly Dee, no? It kinda seems like your questions are like, a little bit all over the place here.” </p><p>“Very all over the place, Deandra.” </p><p>“Shut up, Frank.” </p><p>“I have to agree, Dee, it’s weird.”</p><p>“Cricket, why are you here? Okay Ch- your honor, let me lay it out for you. Dennis and Mac have sex a lot. Dennis starts it. Dennis always has an orgasm, while sometimes, Mac doesn’t.” She stops. “Doesn’t that seem a little, I don't know, <i>gay</i> to you?” </p><p>Charlie thinks it over. “Um, no, I don’t know, not really man, seems kinda like two friends to me.”</p><p>Mac brightens up. “Yes, exactly, friends, exactly!”</p><p>Dee inhales, exhales. “Okay. Let’s try this. Mac. Does Dennis ever do anything special for you, like buy you flowers or take you out to dinner?” </p><p>“Yeah,” Mac says. He shifts uncomfortably. “But like, in a friend way, Dee.”</p><p>“Please. I’ve never had any friend do that for me.” </p><p>“Mmm, have you ever had a friend though.”</p><p>“Ha, ha, Mac, good one. Charlie, you cant be buying this.” </p><p>Charlie shrugs. “I don’t know, Dee, he’s saying it’s in a friend way, and I’m struggling to follow your points here.” </p><p>“Fucking Christ! Are you people insane? Fine! Fine. Last try. Mac, last question, okay buddy. Has Dennis ever told you that he loves you?” </p><p>Charlie’s eyebrows fly up to the top of his forehead, then back down again as his brow furrows; he leans forward over the bar, his tiny lawyer glasses falling off the end of his nose.</p><p>"The plot thickens," says Frank, leaning forward in his chair.</p><p>“Uh.” Mac looks one way, then the other. No escape in sight. He’s sweating, like, a fuck of a lot. What would Dennis want him to say? Charlie’s judge-y gaze is bearing down on him. He can’t do it. “Yes. Maybe. No? Uh? I can’t remember. I need to take a break.” He gets up from the stool. “I have to pee. But I’m gonna do it - in - uh. the closet. I keep a bucket in there. It’s comfortable for me to pee in there in my bucket. Okay.” </p><p>"Did you know he had a bucket in there?" Frank asks Charlie. </p><p>Mac shuts the closet door behind him. “Dennis, you’ve got to help me out.” </p><p>Dennis has a fist curled into the front of Mac’s form-fitting tank before Mac can get out the first word. He pushes Mac against the closet door. He’s not really strong enough to do that, Mac just lets him. “Mac, do not even think for one second about telling those cretans out there that I said I love you, okay. They will- I will never hear the end of it. Neither of us will. It will be hell, man. Hell. Dee is the <i>goddamn</i> devil." He slams his fist against the door. He laughs in a kind of desperate way. "I mean, Dee can’t win this. Come on. She’s terrible, and she's - she's wrong. She's so - so stupid.” He laughs again. “I mean, you know I’m not gay. That's crazy.” His grip on Mac’s shirt loosens, releases. “Crazy. You know I'm not...” He looks up. “You... know." His voice is quiet now. "Don’t you Mac?” </p><p>Mac smiles. “Yeah," he says, softening. “Yeah, dude, I know. I know.” </p><p>“Good.” Dennis drops his hand, steps back, smoothes his shirt. “Good. Then go out there and tell them that.” </p><p>“Okay. Got it. I will.” </p><p>“Don’t mess it up. I DON’T love you, Mac, remember that. I DON’T love you.” </p><p>“Yes. Got it. I DON’T love you too.” Mac grins. "Awesome."</p><p>“Okay don’t - don’t say it like that out there please, alright, Jesus.” Dennis says this like he’s exasperated. His face, however, looks as fond as Dennis Reynolds' face can look.</p><p>“Yes.” Mac is beaming. “Cool. Got it.”</p><p>"Get out. Go. Go, go, go." </p><p>“He’s clearly tampering with the witness as we-“ Dee is saying when Mac emerges, but when she sees his grin her face falls. “Oh, fuck. No, come on. This isn’t fair.” </p><p>“Sorry, Dee, let me answer that question for you,” Mac says, bright, alert, confident, rushing back to the stool. “No. No, he has never said he loves me.” </p><p>“God DAMMIT, DENNIS. THIS IS WITNESS TAMPERING.” </p><p>“Okay Dee, this has gone on long enough.” Charlie bangs his empty beer can on the bar. “Clearly what we have here is a situation between two friends who have sex and are not gay. That’s the verdict and court is over, I’m bored.” Mac leaps out of his seat, fist-pumping. Dee screams an expletive. A shout of ‘YES!’ rings out from the closet. </p><p>Charlie continues, “But listen okay Dee because I really think your argument was fucked up here. I tell Frank I love him all the time. All the time I tell Frank I love him and he says I love you too. Does that make us gay? Can two men not be in a good relationship and love each other without it being gay? I think that’s backwards, Dee, I really do.” </p><p>“Honestly, Dee, really kind of contributing to toxic masculinity there,” Dennis says, coming out of the closet (again physically, not metaphorically). He slings an arm around Mac’s shoulders. Mac’s jaw drops open, he gasps happily, he shuts his mouth again. Dee chokes on nothing. </p><p>“Charlie. Charlie, are you not seeing this?” </p><p>“What, Deandra, can a straight man not engage in - in intimate touch with his gay male friend?” Dennis looks scandalized. Mac looks over the moon.</p><p>"Of course he can, Dee!" says Charlie.</p><p>"Of course he can!" echoes Frank.</p><p>“Dee, you’re messed up.” </p><p>“Cricket if you say one more word-“</p><p>“You know what, Dee, I bet you think this is wrong for friends to do, too,” Dennis says, and he tugs Mac’s chin up with his free hand and kisses him, slowly. Mac freezes for a moment, then melts into it, responds; he cords his fingers through Dennis’ hair; Dennis opens his mouth; Mac leans his whole body into him. For Mac, time freezes. The bar blurs to nothingness. It's Dennis, Dennis, Dennis. It’s disgustingly, beautifully, perfectly gay. </p><p>Dee looks at Charlie.</p><p>Charlie shrugs. “I think this is normal,” he says. “Court’s over, no one’s gay. Well, except Mac, Mac’s gay. Anyway you guys wanna go huff paint in the alley?” </p><p>“Charlie, thank god, I been waitin’ all day to do somethin’ fun.” </p><p>“Oh, and I got the best new batch of paint, too, man, you’re gonna love it. Cricket, you in?” </p><p>The boys are already headed for the door.</p><p>“So we’re just gonna leave them here making out like this and no one is going to say anything?” </p><p>Halfway out the door Frank says, “Judge ruled it’s not gay, Deandra, get over it, come on.” </p><p>Dee looks at her brother, still passionately kissing another man, shrugs, and goes to huff some paint. </p><p>
  <b>II. THE FUCKING</b>
</p><p>“So, um.” Mac turns over in bed, onto his side, and looks at Dennis. Dennis deliberately looks up at the ceiling, ignoring Mac’s obnoxious gaze. Always with the gaze. “We got caught, and you always said if we got caught we weren’t gonna keep doing it. Was this the last time?” </p><p>Now Dennis has to look over, because he just knows Mac is doing those stupid doe eyes, so he looks, and yup, Mac’s doing it. He’s got that little pouty mouth thing going on, too. Terrible. Adorable. “Well, you heard Charlie, Mac. It’s not gay.” Dennis props himself up on one elbow, faces him. “I just didn’t want anyone thinking I was gay, since, you know, I’m not.” He reaches out and traces a finger around Mac’s beautiful, beautiful pectoral muscle. God this guy is hot. Built like a Ken doll. Minus, you know, the smoothness. </p><p>“Totally.” Mac looks pathetically relieved. He’s getting hard again already, Dennis can tell. Dennis can always tell. “Okay, cool. Nice.” </p><p>“Nice?” Dennis slides a little closer. “Is that how you’d describe what we do? Nice?” </p><p>“Yes? No. What’s the right answer.” </p><p>“I don’t want to be nice,” Dennis says, and leans forward to bite at Mac’s lower lip. Mac’s breath hitches, which Dennis just loves. That little hitch of a breath Mac does turns him on more than any woman ever has, ever. It’s remarkable. He wishes he’d discovered this sooner. It’s not gay, it’s just - chemistry. Biology. The natural sexual impulses of men. </p><p>“Okay,” Mac breathes, and then they’re kissing. Sometimes this crazy thing happens when they’re kissing where Dennis’ brain, like, whites out. Dennis can turn his brain on and off at any time, of course, just like he can turn on and off his feelings or an erection. He typically, of course, has complete control over every function of his body. But this is like something else hits the off switch. This is something that just - happens! To him. Without his willing it. Fascinating.</p><p>The whiting-out happens now and it’s just Dennis’ body on autopilot, taking in sensations - the softness of Mac’s lips, the scrape of his stubble, the hard, clean lines of his ripped as fuck body - and pulling himself closer.  </p><p>“Dennis,” Mac mumbles. Ah, the involuntary sigh of his name that Dennis so often causes. He grins. He takes Mac’s dick in his hand. “Fuck.”</p><p>“That’s right. You like this, don’t you.”</p><p>Mac nods furiously. </p><p>“Use your words.”</p><p>“Yes. Uh-huh. Yes. I do like it.” </p><p>“Good.” Dennis kisses him. “How about my mouth on you instead, would you like that? You want me to suck you off?”</p><p>Mac nods again, eyes screwed shut, breathing heavily.  “Yes please.” </p><p>“Beg.”</p><p>“Please, Dennis. Please, I really, really, really want you to suck me off. Please. I am literally begging you, please.” </p><p>Dennis chuckles. “You’re pathetic, you know that?” </p><p>“Come on, Dennis.” Mac’s fingers fist into the sheets. He whines. “Come on, I want it.” </p><p>Dennis crawls between Mac’s legs, now spread wide on the bed. Dennis likes him like this. At his mercy. “Maybe I’ll do it.” Mac looks down at Dennis so Dennis bites his lower lip, a little show.</p><p>Mac moans and drops his head back on the pillow. “I’ll do anything.”</p><p>“Will you spank me later?” They’d tried that once, Dennis had shocked himself by liking it. “Will you fuck me exactly the way I want you to? Will you obey?” </p><p>“Yes,” Mac says, “Anything you want, yes.” </p><p>Dennis licks a stripe up Mac’s shaft, and Mac exhales very unsteadily. Dennis smirks. “You promise?”</p><p>“Dude, I promise, come ON, blow me already!” </p><p>Dennis swallows him down. </p><p>“Yes! Fuck. Yes. Dennis. Thank you thank you thank you.” </p><p>Dennis can’t respond because his mouth is a little busy, lips wrapped tight around Mac’s cock. Mac is not lacking in the dick department, which is nice. His doesn’t have quite the same quality of perfection as Dennis’, obviously, but it’s really pretty good all things considered. Dennis likes the way it tastes. Likes the way it feels in his mouth, hard and heavy.</p><p>“You are so good at this for a straight guy,” Mac pants, twisting his fingers into Dennis’ hair, “Seriously, bro, it’s unreal.”</p><p>Dennis decides it’s time to shut him up. He moves a little faster, takes Mac a little deeper, twists his tongue. Mac, as predicted, is reduced to intermittent moans as he tries to breathe; Mac’s hips twitch, his ass rises up off the bed; Dennis pins him down and rides him like a rodeo horse. Bull? Pig? How do rodeos work? Huh. Dennis has no idea how rodeos work.</p><p>“Dennis,” Mac breathes again, and oh, right, he’s doing this. Dennis focuses. “Dennis, I’m gonna cum. Can I cum on your face, dude? I really wanna cum on your face.”</p><p>Dennis pulls off, takes Mac in his hand instead and nudges Mac’s hips so he’ll move. He lies down and positions Mac above his face, stroking him firmly. “Fine,” he says, “Just don’t get it in my hair.”</p><p>
  <b>III. THE RECKONING</b>
</p><p>Dennis prides himself on not being a stupid man. His friends - his friends are stupid men. He doesn’t reflect too much on why he’s friends with them, he just wakes up and goes about his life. He’s not a stupid man, but he also doesn’t really ever think.</p><p>“Hey, where’s your boyfriend,” Dee says as Dennis walks into Paddy’s, flicking a peanut shell at him. </p><p>“Not my boyfriend, but thanks, Dee, thanks for your trash so early in the morning, I appreciate it.”</p><p>“It’s 2 o’clock.”</p><p>“Well, some of us get beauty sleep, Dee. And I don’t know where Mac is. I don’t keep tabs on him. We’re two different, independent men.” </p><p>Dee mocks a pout. “Aw, did you guys have a fight?”</p><p>“They definitely had a fight,” says Charlie from behind the bar, mouth full of peanuts. </p><p>“We did not have a fight,” Dennis says, sitting down. “We had… a disagreement.”</p><p>Dee says, “I don’t care about this,” at the same time that Charlie says, “What happened, man?” They look at each other and scowl.</p><p>Dennis sighs. “He called me stupid. Me! The smartest - it’s insane. Mac calling <i>me</i> stupid.” </p><p>“Frank calls me stupid all the time. What’s the issue.”</p><p>“Well, you are stupid, Charlie, that’s the difference, okay. I’m not stupid.” </p><p>“So what did you do that made him say you were stupid.”</p><p>“I didn’t <i>do</i> anything. I just. Was talking to some girls on tinder. It’s not a big deal.” </p><p>Dee smacks the back of Dennis’ head. “You idiot.”</p><p>“Ow!”</p><p>“What the fuck are you doing?” </p><p>“Well Mac’s not his boyfriend, right?” Charlie shrugs. He cracks a can of beer and a can of mountain dew and starts pouring them into the same glass. “They’re just friends. Dennis is allowed to talk to girls. He and Mac aren’t, like, dating.” Charlie tosses the cans aside and starts cracking peanuts into the glass.</p><p>“Yes, thank you! Yes.” Dennis frowns at the glass. “Charlie, what is that?”</p><p>“Lunch.”</p><p>“Don’t you guys sleep in the same bed every night?”</p><p>“Yeah, so? Charlie, that’s disgusting, you need to eat real food.” </p><p>“This is real food. It’s basically a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.” </p><p>“If you sleep in the same bed every night and you have sex all the time, that’s like, basically dating. Don’t you know what a relationship is? Weren’t you married?”</p><p>“Don’t remind me. Charlie that’s not even close to a PB and J. Where’s the fruit?”</p><p>“The mountain dew, man!” Charlie takes a sip. “That’s all fruit in there.”</p><p>Mac walks in. “Good morning, everyone.” He pointedly doesn’t look at Dennis. </p><p>“It’s 2 o’clock.”</p><p>“Charlie’s eating lunch,” Dennis says. He looks at Mac, uneasy, fingers twitching. </p><p>Mac glances at Dennis, then glances quickly away again. “Charlie, please tell Dennis I’m not talking to him.”</p><p>Charlie swallows a peanut and shakes his head. “Oh, no. Oh, no, man, I’m not doing that. I’ve been down this road before. I can’t do it.” </p><p>“Fine. Dee.” </p><p>“Dennis,” Dee says gleefully, “Mac isn’t talking to you.” </p><p>“Thank you.” </p><p>Dennis rolls his eyes. “Come on, Mac, we’re not dating! We’re not dating, you’re not my boyfriend! You’re not my boyfriend, Mac! Who cares if I talk to girls!”</p><p>“Talk to girls? I don’t care if you <i>talk</i> to girls. I do care if you <i>sext</i> girls while you’re lying next to me in my bed!” Mac breathes, then says quietly, “Dee, could you tell Dennis what I just said?”</p><p>“Dude, you were sexting?” </p><p>“Dennis, Mac says he doesn’t care if-”</p><p>“Yeah, I heard him, Dee, I heard him.” Dennis flicks a peanut off the bar. “Yes, fine, I was sexting one girl.”</p><p>“THREE GIRLS.”</p><p>“I was sexting three girls.”</p><p>“At once? Dude.” Charlie raises his eyebrows. “Not bad.” </p><p>“Yes bad, Charlie!” Mac looks at the glass. “What’s that, dude? Protein shake?”</p><p>Charlie shrugs. “Kinda, I guess.”</p><p>“Make me one?”</p><p>“Mac, no. You can’t drink that.” </p><p>“Well you,” Mac says, voice dripping with disdain, “Can’t tell me what to do.” </p><p>“Dennis, Mac says you can’t-”</p><p>“CUT IT OUT, DEE, CUT IT OUT.” Dennis’ face gets all red. Mac and Dee exchange glances. “Look, I’m sorry, I’m a man with needs, I’m a <i>straight</i> man, I’m not gay, I’m not your boyfriend, I’m not dating you, I owe you nothing! I can sext whomever I like!” </p><p>“Fine,” Mac says, finally looking at Dennis. “Fine. Then so can I.” He takes a swig of Charlie’s, uh, lunch, maintaining eye contact, and marches out of the bar.</p><p>Dennis’ face is now white as a sheet. “What did he mean by that.” He drums his hands on the bar. “Do you guys know what he meant?”</p><p>“Mm, sounds like he’s gonna sext some other dudes,” Dee says, popping a peanut into her mouth. “But that won’t bother you, right. I mean, you’re not dating or anything.”</p><p>Dennis’ eye twitches. </p><p>-</p><p>“Ground rules.” </p><p>“Ground rules?” Dennis snorts. “Ground rules? You’re going to give <i>me</i> rules? Like a schoolchild? Like a misbehaving toddler?”</p><p>“Look at this, Dennis.” Mac holds up his phone. “Look at this.”</p><p>“Ew. Mac, what the fuck. Stop. Whose dicks are these?”</p><p>“Guys,” Mac says. “Guys on the internet, Dennis. These guys sent these pictures to me. One hour on my phone. One hour, Dennis, I found, like, a hundred guys who wanna fuck me.” </p><p>“Give me that.” Dennis snatches the phone from Mac’s hand. He’d come back to the apartment to refresh and clear his mind and maybe jerk off. Not to argue with his petty… goddamn… male housewife. “What the fuck, Mac. Some of these guys are like twenty. How - how big is your radius? Where do these dudes even come from?”</p><p>“Philly, baby.” Mac folds his arms over his very broad, very impressive chest, fuck. “All of them. I could fuck any one of these dudes easy. Like ordering a pizza.”</p><p>Dennis takes a step towards him. “You wouldn’t.” He tosses the phone down on their couch. “Besides, what would I care. These men are pathetic and you know it. They probably just send dick pics to everyone.” </p><p>“I sent a couple back,” Mac stage-whispers, leaning forward. “Yeah. How about that, Dennis.” </p><p>“You’re very unattractive when you try to be in control, you know that? It’s repulsive to me.”</p><p>“Then why do you have a boner, huh? What’s that about down there? Somethin’ in your pocket? Huh?” </p><p>Why? Because this is hot as fuck. Because there are apparently a shit ton of guys out there who want to fuck Mac, <i>his</i> Mac, <i>his</i> boyf- male - sex - person, and no one gets to but him. </p><p>“You’re mine,” Dennis growls, stepping closer. </p><p>Mac moves in. “Ground. Rules.”</p><p>Dennis blames his dick for this but he gives in. Fuck. “Fine. I’ll only text ten girls a month.” </p><p>“TEN? What the fuck, Dennis?” </p><p>“Fine. Seven.”</p><p>“You can have two.” </p><p>“Five.” </p><p>“Three.” </p><p>“Okay, I need four, but look, look at this, Mac.” Dennis pulls his phone out of his pocket, opens tinder. “Look. Look at these girls. I’m only talking to girls who aren’t as hot as you.” </p><p>Mac eyes Dennis warily, looks down at his phone, sighs. “What are you talking about, dude. This lady has gigantic tits. This is crazy. This is the hottest girl I’ve ever seen.”</p><p>“Eh, I don’t know.” Dennis rubs one eye with his free hand. “No, I don’t know. No. You’re easily hotter than this girl. And here, here. Look at this one.”</p><p>“This is another crazy hot chick, Dennis. I don’t understand.”</p><p>“Are you kidding? This bitch is hideous, I can’t even look at her.” </p><p>“You’re fucking with me.”</p><p>“No! What? To be honest it’s kind of embarrassing, I was looking for a hotter girl than you and I seriously couldn’t find one. Just a dry year in Philly, I guess. Maybe the hot girls moved? Maybe cause it’s summer they’re all at their beach houses or something. Spring break. I don’t know.” </p><p>Dennis looks up at Mac, who is giving him a Look.</p><p>“What. What the fuck is that, why are you looking at me like that. What’s that face.”</p><p>“You can’t find a girl who’s hotter than me?” Mac looks like he’s holding - no, biting back a smile.</p><p>“No - no okay, I see how you could misinterpret that. No. It’s not that there aren’t girls who are hotter than you, it’s just that I couldn’t find them on the internet at this time. Okay? No.” </p><p>Mac moves closer. “You can have four girls a month, Dennis. Texting only.” </p><p>“Okay, no, because see now I feel like you’re doing this because you think I’m not actually into these girls. But I am, I am into girls - uh, these, uh, girls, Mac.”</p><p>“No, I know, I know.” Mac takes Dennis’ hand. “I know.”</p><p>“I’m gonna send the girls pictures.”</p><p>“Sure.” </p><p>“But I don’t want you to send anybody pictures. Or get any of those - those disgusting dick pics, okay. You delete that app.” </p><p>“I don’t want to send anybody pictures.” Mac puts his other hand on Dennis’ shoulder, starts to sway. “I’ll delete it.”</p><p>“What - what are you doing. What’s happening here.”</p><p>“I’m dancing with you.” </p><p>“Don’t dance with me. Don’t do that.” </p><p>“Mmm, it’s kinda too late, dude, I’m already doing it.” </p><p>“Okay, well. I’m not dancing with you.” </p><p>“That’s cool, that’s cool.” </p><p>Mac’s body is solid and warm, and Dennis is still a little bit turned on, so. He can’t be blamed for putting a hand on Mac’s waist. Leaning in. He does it with a little groan of disgust for good measure, just to make sure anyone watching can tell he’s not gay. No. He's straight. He’s just dancing with Mac, his boyfriend, without any fucking music playing, in the apartment they live in together, where they share a bed and cuddle on the couch and set Ground Rules and have the best sex Dennis has ever had. Nothing gay about it.</p><p>That night, Mac fucks him good and slow, and Dennis doesn’t think about any girls at all.</p><p>
  <b>IV. THE WEDDING</b>
</p><p>“Charlie, are you crying?” </p><p>“Yeah, man, I’m a sensitive guy, okay, so what if I’m crying.” Charlie sniffs, wipes his face with the empty bag of chips in his hand. “I’m not crying, YOU’RE crying, dude.”</p><p>Mac takes Charlie by the shoulders. “Charlie, it’s gonna be okay.” He smiles. “Nothing’s gonna change.”</p><p>“Everything’s gonna change, Mac, you’re gonna be a married man. Family life, dude. You’re growing up.” Charlie starts to sob. “It’s a big thing, you know? And you just - you look so beautiful, man.” </p><p>“Aw, Charlie. Come here.” He pulls Charlie in for a hug. “You look beautiful too, dude.” </p><p>“This is weird.” Dennis is standing in the doorway.</p><p>Mac and Charlie jump at the sound of his voice, start shouting; Charlie pushes Mac frantically into a bathroom stall. “Dude! You’re not supposed to see the bride before the wedding!” </p><p>Dennis rolls his eyes. “Come on. First of all no one’s a bride here, second, who cares? I’ve seen Mac in a suit probably a thousand times. Besides I’m only here to tell you that Frank is stuck in the toilet in the ladies’ room and it’s freaking people out.” </p><p>“Again?”</p><p>“Yeah, apparently anytime a girl opens the stall he’s like, asking them if they fell from heaven and shit. I don’t know. Can you get him out of there? It’s - it’s gross and frankly, it’s unacceptable, on this, the happiest day of my life. This day is supposed to be about me and he’s making it about him. So.”  </p><p>Charlie sighs, throws up his hands. “Mamma mia…” He heads for the bathroom door. “You’d think Frank could take one day off, you know. One day off.”</p><p>When Charlie is gone, Dennis tip-toes to the stall where Mac is hiding. “Mac,” he whispers. “Come out here.” </p><p>“No.” Inside the stall, Mac pouts, fingers the toilet paper. “No, you’re not supposed to see me.”</p><p>Dennis rolls his eyes. “Mac, come on. What am I gonna see that I haven’t seen already.” </p><p>“Your fiancé on your wedding day,” Mac says quietly.</p><p>“What? I can’t understand you when you mumble, you know that. Listen, I found some weird drugs in Charlie’s apartment. I don’t know what they do but I think we should take them.” </p><p>Mac pops the door of the stall open just a crack and peers out. “I’m listening.”</p><p>Dennis grins. “Hey there bud.”</p><p>“Hi.”</p><p>“Look, this was in an envelope labelled “good ass shit” so I’m pretty sure this will make the boring parts of the wedding fly by.” </p><p>“The <i>boring</i> parts? Excuse me, Dennis, the boring parts?” Mac slams the stall door shut again.</p><p>“Oh come on, don’t get all offended, okay, I said what I said. Look, I could’ve just done the drugs alone but I brought them to you because I want us <i>both</i> to be high, alright? Because I care about you.”</p><p>Mac pokes his head out again. “Yeah?”</p><p>“Yeah, Mac, yes, now come on, take these drugs with me.” </p><p>They take the drugs, they have sex in the bathroom, and then - they get married.</p><p>—</p><p>“Alright. Mac, Dennis, you’ve written your own vows, let’s hear ‘em.” </p><p>“Uh. Who first?”</p><p>No one’s sure why they let Frank officiate. “Huh? Why should I care?”</p><p>“Okay. I’ll go. Um.” Mac loudly clears his throat. He’s trying very hard to keep his head on straight. He thinks his tie might be the only thing keeping it on. The bar is like, moving around a lot, and it’s a lot of colors. Like really cool, really beautiful colors. And the people in the room are all blurry, and some of them have really big heads, and some of them are showing all their teeth, like dinosaurs.</p><p>“Mac.”</p><p>Mac looks at Dennis, and he’s the only thing that’s clear. </p><p>“Yeah. Sorry. Um.”</p><p>“Are you high?” Frank whispers. </p><p>Mac shakes his head, then nods, then shakes his head again, then nods again. </p><p>“Oh jesus.”</p><p>“Dennis.” Mac focuses forward. Dennis is here. Dennis! Mac likes Dennis. Dennis’ eyes look kind of glazed over. “Dennis, it’s - look, it’s really cool that we’re getting married, dude.” He reaches into his breast pocket. “I wrote, I wrote some stuff to say.” The letters all look like hieroglyphics. “Um. I <i>think</i> it says-”</p><p>Frank snatches the paper out of his hand. “Let me do this. Okay. It says Dennis, dude, you are my rock.” Frank scowls. “There’s like thirty ‘dude’s in here, I’m gonna omit them for time. So uh, he wrote - ‘Honestly I don’t really know what vows are supposed to be about but I think you’re supposed to make promises?’ That’s with a question mark. ‘So I promise to always have your back, to always watch whatever movie you want to watch even if I don’t want to watch it, to fuck you just the way you like it’ - alright - ‘and to make sure you’re healthy, happy, and safe.  You’re my best friend. Don’t leave me, I’m glad we’re married so now you can’t leave me.’” Frank tucks the paper in his pocket. “Yeesh. That was rough. Okay, Dennis, get this over with.”</p><p>Dennis is smiling a wide, woozy smile. “That was beautiful. Thank you Frank, you're alright.” </p><p>Frank looks at Dee, who rolls her eyes and shrugs. No one else seems to have noticed anything with the couple is amiss. Charlie’s quietly sobbing, Dee looks bored. The room is full but Frank is pretty sure half of these people just came for the free pizza, which maybe they advertised a little too much.</p><p>“Mac.” Dennis’ face has gotten serious, and he reads off of his own paper with shockingly crystal clarity. “You are so pathetically in love with me it sometimes causes me physical pain.” He looks out at his audience, grins, half-laughs. No one smiles back. He goes on. “It’s sad. It makes me want to die. I’ve always thought you were pathetic and I stand by that now, even at the altar.” He looks out at everyone watching again, flashes a smile. This time he notices it’s not going over so well. He glances at Mac, who’s just listening attentively and nodding with a serious look on his face. “But uh.” Dennis clears his throat, which feels suddenly blocked up. “Um. You know. I love you, and you’re really good in the sack.” He crumples up his paper and tosses it away. He looks out again. “The end. Clap, everybody.”</p><p>About half the bar engages in a stilted, half-hearted applause.</p><p>“Okay. So, now, it’s time to say I do. Do you, Mac, take Dennis to be your, eh. Husband, I guess.” </p><p>Mac tilts forward, a crooked smile on his face, eyelids heavy. “I do.” </p><p>Dennis won’t admit it out loud, but he gets warm all over, kind of a weird, tingly feeling, and he doesn’t normally like the sensation of having feelings of any kind but this one is nice. Sometimes he gets these feelings with Mac. He thinks that must be what the fuck people are talking about when they talk about love. Right now he’s also seeing like, stars and hearts and a weird pink cloud, but that’s not love. That’s the drugs. </p><p>“Dennis, do you take Mac to be <i>your</i> husband?”</p><p>“Yeah, yeah, I do.” </p><p>“Super. By the power invested in me by the internet, I now pronounce you husband and husband. You may now kiss the dude.” </p><p>Mac steps forward, smile growing, and winds his arms lazily around Dennis’ neck. Dennis likes that he does that, always does like, the girl thing. Lets Dennis be the man. He likes to be the man. Even though Mac is beefier and whatever. Mac leans in to kiss him and Dennis closes his hands around Mac’s hips and kisses him back. Sometimes there’s an angry contest of power going on when they kiss, which obviously is thrilling, but this is thrilling too: Mac just giving way, the way he so often does, letting Dennis take charge, letting Dennis lead. As he should, obviously, because Dennis is just naturally, genetically the alpha. But he still isn’t used to it. Doesn’t think he’ll ever really get used to how good it is when Mac just… submits. </p><p>Maybe that’s why he’s marrying him. Dennis Reynolds, marrying a man. Not in a gay way, obviously, but still. Life will really take you places.</p><p>They’re still kissing and people seem like they’re starting to leave the bar. </p><p>“Alright, alright, people, we’re done, ha,” Dennis breaks away, laughing, waving at everyone. “Come on, everyone, stay, let’s get the party started here! Open bar! Open bar tonight.”</p><p>Everyone shifts and moves back towards the bar, interest fully piqued. Charlie is still crying in the front row. Dennis thinks someone ought to check on him. Not him, though. God no, not gonna be Dennis. It’s his special day.</p><p>“Open bar? What the fuck are you talking about?” Frank grumbles. “One drink only at the open bar, people, then we’re back to full pay, alright. But we’ve got specials! Wedding day specials. Try the Mac! It’s a shot of whiskey and a shot of peach liqueur in a glass of bud light lime. Invented by the groom. Fifteen dollars.”</p><p>Mac takes Dennis’ hand to catch his attention. Dennis looks back at him.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“Dude,” Mac says, and Dennis feels warmth all over, radiating from the spot where Mac is holding his hand. It’s a strangely real and serious and precious thing, isn’t it, this approximation of love. Huh. The only real and serious and precious thing Dennis thinks he has ever had.</p><p>“Yeah, Mac?” </p><p>Mac squints. “I love you but I am like so, so high right now.” And he throws up.</p><p>
  <b>V. EVER AFTER</b>
</p><p>
At a Philly Pride party the next June, some oiled-up guy in leather shorts takes a shot at Mac, dancing over and grinding up against him like a stripper. Mac gets into it for a moment then sighs, stops, pulls away.
</p><p>
“Sorry, dude, I’ve got a husband.” He holds up the finger with his wedding ring on it. The ring isn’t there. “Oh shit, I forgot I lost that. My bad. I really am married though.”
</p><p>
“Oh yeah? So where is he?”
</p><p>
 Dennis strides over, fruity cocktails in hand, Hawaiian shirt unbuttoned down to his stomach. Mac takes a glass. Dennis throws an arm over his shoulders, takes a sip of his drink, and looks down at his challenger over the top of his sunglasses. “Something going on here?” 
</p><p>
The oily beefcake backs away, hands raised in defeat.
</p><p>
 “That’s damn right.” Dennis takes another sip, looks lazily around the bar. “We’re kind of a power couple, babe.”
</p><p>
“Yes, a power couple, exactly. That’s what I’ve been saying. Nobody fucks with us, dude.”
</p><p>
 “We exude power.”
</p><p>
“Yes. Exude. Yes.”
</p><p>
“I hate this drink, do you hate this drink?”
</p><p>
“Huh? Oh, this. Yeah, it kinda tastes like fruit loops on crack.”
</p><p>
“Wanna go back to the bar?”
</p><p>
“Let’s just go back to the bar, dude.”
</p><p>
“I’m over pride. Honestly what’s the big deal about being proud, anyway? What are they proud of, that they’re gay? If this is what being gay is about frankly I’m even prouder that I’m NOT gay.”
</p><p>
“I’m so glad you’re not gay, Dennis, seriously.”
</p><p>
“I know, babe. Me too. Let’s go back to the bar.”
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>these terrible, horrible dorks own my soul. leave me a comment please I'm as thirsty as dennis and as desperate for approval as mac</p></blockquote></div></div>
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